DADS TIME
SUPER MOM STRIKES AGAIN
First of all, many thanks to the readers who took time to respond to
my article "Super
Mom - a Dad's Perspective". In the article below, I'd like to follow up
on some of the thoughts brought up by Jules, Maria and Laurent, not because they
agree or disagree with me on specific points, but because I feel each of the
three have very different viewpoints expressed in these excellent and thought-provoking
responses.
Parenting is about dilemmas. There is no definite right or wrong way to be a
good parent, a good partner. Well, within reason, of course. There are definite
and obvious things to avoid and I'm certain we all agree that loving your children,
treating them with respect and providing support and a nurturing environment
is probably one of the major things to aim for. The differences are more in the
best way to provide these things. Does a Mom have to stay at home in
order to
provide the optimal environment for her children and her partner? I can't answer
that question. Maybe. Jules has found a great way of combining her independence
(in the form of her writing career) with her role as a voluntary and enthusiastic
stay-at-home Mum. I truly think that's great. Personally, I can see that working
out very well. If I were to become a stay-at-home dad (I know, a rare breed),
then that is exactly the kind of clever combination of house & home combined
with intense creative dashes which I would try to go for. That could work for
me, I think. Does it have to be the only or the best way for everybody? No, and
that isn't the message I got at all from Jules response. She was highlighting
her way of life as a contrast to the image I originally presented, which was
more a call for emancipation (also for Dads to get involved more).
I enjoyed both Jules' and Maria's responses greatly. Although Maria's may be
more in line with my personal experiences, I repeat that I didn't understand
Jules' response to indicate a lack of acceptance of other models, simply a basis
for discussion based on her choice of path. In that respect, both Jules' and
Maria's responses complement one another wonderfully. Both are direct, honest
and personal. They don't represent the same point of view, but - hey - they both
have approaches that work for them and that goes to show how individual the whole
topic is. And this is really the point I am always trying to make: There is no
single right way of parenting well. It depends on so many factors, not last on
the character of the parents involved, the surroundings (conservative farming
village or more cosmopolitan urban context), of the parents' aims in life and
their feelings towards having children in the first place, of the importance
of their careers, of the amount of coffee they drink at breakfast, I don't know...
It's individual. And what works for one family may be a recipe for disaster
for
another. The toughest thing about the whole topic of parenting and family is
that it is one area where most people do not welcome advice, unless they have
specifically asked for it. But guess what? One of my colleagues is soon to be
a first-time Dad, and I almost heard something go "Sproinggg" in my
mind and suddenly there I was, pouring advice over him. He nodded thoughtfully,
finished his cigarette and said "You know, Dani, I appreciate your advice,
but why exactly are you telling me all this? I mean, you're a nice guy and all,
but this is more between my wife and me, don't you think? If there's anything
we're wondering about, I'll ask, okay?" Ooops. And I know the next time
I'm in the same situation, I'll hear the "Sproinggg" again and I'll
be off until someone pours a bucket of cold water over me.
Reiterating one of the points from my original article, what I would be happy
to see is a true freedom of choice. Maria and her husband should be able to live
their choice without being questioned just as Jules and her husband should theirs.
But this is the problem: Maria makes an excellent point: "Would
it not be nice, to no longer have to read mothers who justify staying at home
100% or working
100%, or whatever % in between? In the end it really is no one else's business.
When society stops judging or justifying women's roles then do we really have
equality." Absolutely! It isn't only the freedom of choice. True equality
is reached when either end of the spectrum of choice (or any place in between)
is no longer remarkable but becomes everyday and ordinary.
I was happy to read Laurent's response, too. It was encouraging to read that
my rather bleak experiences in Switzerland were not necessarily representative.
I wonder, though, how much of Laurent's positive experience is really due to
the engineering world being a far more social bunch than the cold-hearted banking
community or whether it isn't more a case of Laurent's particular employer being
a good and social employer. It may be unfair or incorrect to lump the entire
financial industry together in the same category. The bank I used to work for
actually changed their rules radically recently and is now a good employer with
paid paternal leave of more than just two days. The insurance company I worked
for also. Things are changing. Admittedly, the rate of change is glacial (and
I hope that the change doesn't melt away as fast as the glaciers are...). However,
a correlation to the industry is an interesting thought. I have been thinking
that the correlation tends to align more along the percentage of female worker
in a particular area within an industry. HR and communications tend to be areas
with a larger percentage of female employees, and in these areas flexible working
models seem to be more widespread than in IT (whether in banking or engineering),
which is still a predominantly male domain. The reality is probably a bit of
both.
One common denominator, which I would like to draw out of the reader responses,
and many, many discussions on the topic is a call for tolerance and flexibility
in other people's choices of family path. I find it interesting and enriching
to learn of other's choices, even if they aren't my choices. Al the more so if
the choice of path is satisfying for the individuals concerned. Switzerland isn't
the easiest place for a family, but - thanks for balancing the perspective, Laurent
- it's by no means the worst place in the world. And I chose to live here, after
all. And things ARE changing. Thing ARE improving.
I can hear the ice creaking.
Who wrote this?
| DANIEL SCHWARZ
CARIGIET Born: 1966 in Lugano, Switzerland - Mother American, father German Family: married to Astrid, father of Oliver |
 |
| Occupation: Freelance photographer / commmunications consultant |
|
DADS TIME archive:
Christmas - once upon a time and today
HarmoS
- a parent’s perspective
Kids
Online
Technokids
SUPER
MOM - a Dad's perspective
Handycraft
with kids
“Vater
werden ist nicht schwer – Vater sein hingegen sehr”
Corporate
Dadness or “What's
wrong
with your wife, then?”
Cooking
with kids