FAMILY TIME
THE WORKING MALE MUM
Corporate Dadness or “What's wrong with your wife, then?”
When my wife was pregnant, I remember making bona fide attempts to prepare myself
for family life by grilling those Swiss work colleagues of mine here in Zurich
who had children. I started off by asking my male co-workers whose wives had
recently had a baby, casually asking “So, how's life as a father? How are
things going?” Their reaction was not a great help. They either moaned
about not getting a nights' sleep any more and that they never got to go out
any more, or they grinned and said “Dunno – you'd have to ask my
wife.” The first time I heard that line I thought “sounds like you're
really getting involved there, mate. Good on ya.” But when I heard the
same thing over and over again I started wondering what was going on. So I started
quizzing those few Swiss female colleagues who had children. Their response was
often embarassed confusion, as if I'd asked them something indiscreet “Ehm...
why do you ask? I mean... you're a guy...” or “Oh WELL, it won't
make that much difference to YOU. You're a guy.” It was as if I was invading
some exclusively Swiss female terra incognita and the ladies weren't going to
stand for it.
In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so surprised. Switzerland is a wonderful
place to live in many ways, but I can't think of another developed country offhand
where women are honestly expected to drop out of their careers when they have
children and where the entire childcare infrastructure is based upon the assumption
that Mum is a housewife and just sits around all day waiting to drive to and
from school / Kindergarten / Creche / Playgroup like a private taxi service.
Now don't get me wrong here: I have the greatest respect for those mothers who
decided they want to spend as much time as possible with their children and manage
a home and family as a matter of choice. And it's a valid choice and courageous
one if you're a corporate female hot-shot who knows that it's either a career
or a family. But that they are mutually exclusive. My problem is that here is
Switzerland (mainly the generally right-wing German-speaking part) there isn't
much of a choice. Full day day-care? Count yourself lucky if you can find any
which is a) affordable and b) doesn't have a waiting-list so long that your child
is at retirement age by the time he or she finally gets a place. It's a tough
life for Mums who choose to go on working. And they honestly have my respect
for going against the expectations of society by doing so.
The thing is, if you're a corporate Dad, it's not much different. There are subtle
differences: A guy is expected to have a wife at home to take care of his kids
and leave him free to have a heart attack for the company. It's acceptable for
a working Mum to get up in the middle of a meeting and say “sorry – I
have to go pick up the kids.” If you're a guy and try that here in Switzerland
you'll get comments (from the testosterone crowd) like “Oooooh – guess
who wears the pants in your house?” or “What's wrong with your wife,
then?” If you're a guy with a working wife, then that must be because you
both HAVE to work because you're deeply in debt or your kid needs special (expensive)
treatment or the payments on the Aston Martin are hell to keep up. There must
be something wrong, in short. But that's not all. If a guy is trying to be an
enthusiastic Dad and actually likes being with his kids, then that's kind of
suspect. Any Mum who calls in to say her kids ran up a nasty fever during the
night and she will be taking them to the doctor and won't come in today will
get sympathetic “Yes, of course. Well, let us know what the doctor said.
Don't worry, everything's under control here.” Try the same thing as a
a guy and you get “What's wrong with your wife, then?”
Try asking to reduce your working time to part-time as a guy here in
Switzerland. As a Mum, people tend to be more understanding. As a Dad, you get
odd looks,
the inevitable “You what? You want to be with your kids? What's wrong with
your wife, then?” “Well, actually, she works, too.” “You
poor guy.” Really, (German-speaking) Switzerland is hopeless in this respect.
There's a wonderful term bouncing around the boardrooms right now: “Work-life
balance”. The idea is that it should be acceptable to confess that you
have a family and actually have a life outside the office. It should be healthy
to make sure family, free time and work fit together in a nicely balanced manner.
Sounds good. Is good. Makes sense. Doesn't have the ghost of a chance in Switzerland.
Forget it. Nope. Nyet. If you admit that if your child had a serious medical
emergency you would be out of the office and heading for the hospital like a
bat out of hell, then that's it for your career. Anything which might detract
from the likelyhood of a guy collapsing in the line of duty for his company is
taboo. Ergo family is taboo. Don't mention it. Don't talk about it. When you're
at work, pretend you don't have a family. I didn't even know whether many of
my colleagues (male) were married or not, unless I looked out for the ring.
One particularly memorable experience was when I was working for a major Swiss
Bank: I was active in a movement called “Taten satt Worte “ (“deeds
instead of words”), which was about trying to bring about equal rights
in the workplace for men and women. One major topic was flexible (family compatible)
work models. When I told my (male) colleagues what I was doing there, the unanimous
reaction was “But that's girls' stuff. What are you doing there?” Like
I was a traitor to MANkind. Basically a Mum with a chest-wig, a
deep voice and a serious chin-hair problem.
Here in Switzerland, people have accepted that
Mums have a hard time combining work and a family. But they assume
guys have an easier time of it. And they do – as
long as they pretend they don't have a family.
| DANI SCHWARZ CARIGIET Born: 1966 in Lugano, Switzerland - Mother American, father German Family: married to Astrid, father of Oliver |
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| Occupation: Freelance photographer / commmunications consultant |
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