FAMILY TIME
SUPER MOM - a Dad's perspective
Before I start this article, let me make one thing very clear: I believe any
woman should be free to decide whether she wants to pursue a career at the cost
of a family or whether she wants to put her family ahead of her career. The same
applies in theory to Dads, of course. Both are courageous decisions and I respect
both the career ladies and the stay at home Mums. I take umbrage at situations
that do not allow women (or men) to make a choice but aim to pressure them into
doing the one or the other, even if that's not what they really want. That just
ain't right. Everybody has a right to do what's right for them, not to do what
other people think should be right for them. That's where I'm coming from below.
Switzerland is a strange place in many ways. From a family perspective, two of
these things are - in my mind - especially noteworthy:
1. Switzerland is the only western developed country where a politician can say
with a straight face that a woman's rightful place is at home, as a housewife,
without risking being lynched by an angry mob.
2. Switzerland is the only western developed country where children are considered
by the State to be a luxury and entirely the parents' own business. Family politics
in Switzerland is like that of a third world country.
These two observations intertwine in rather unfortunate ways. Because many women
feel that it's "the right thing to do" to drop out of their careers
and become housewives as soon as the first child turns up, women in general tend
to be regarded as "only working until they get married", so their careers
and their contributions tend to be taken less seriously than their male colleagues'.
Which is why men here still, on average, earn significantly more than women do
for the same job. The rationale being that a man has a family to support back
home. A woman, on the other hand, is only working "for fun", as she
has a man back home bringing in the salary anyhow. This reinforces point 1 above.
Point 2 means fewer tax breaks for families, schools which send the kids home
over lunch ("because Mum's there, isn't she?"), Kindergarten at hours
which are of no conceivable use to a normal working parent - Mum or Dad and Creche
places which are, especially in urban areas, rarer than three-legged albino peacocks.
This forces many parents to drop one career. As women earn less than men here,
it makes economic sense that she stay home. Which again reinforces point 1.
What does this all have to do with the concept of Super Mom? Super Moms are those
Moms who don't just lie down and go with the flow. They don't just shrug their
shoulders and give up. They stand up and say "What? I've worked my whatsit
off to go through university and then spent years setting up my department, coaching
the team and getting it to the point where their really flying along. No way
am I going to just drop it all. Sure I want kids and sure I want a family. But
I want both. It's not an 'either or' decision."
Switzerland is a country of averages. If you stick to the average, then you'll
fit in well. If you're fairly good at what you do - not too good, mind you -
then you'll be accepted. If you go against the grain, though, then you'd better
get used to wearing the old motorbike helmet and kneepads. Everybody knows that
mums who work out of choice (and not necessity) are egoists and bad mothers.
Everybody knows that the best thing for toddlers and small children is to stay
at home with Mum full time. Then they go to school and live at home with Mum
(Dads don't come into the equation, as everybody knows children are exclusively
Mum's domain). This "everybody knows" really gets me. Mainly because
it's total nonsense. Early socialization with peers (and not just siblings) is
encouraged by child psychologists across the board. Our son adored going to creche
and wouldn't have missed Kindergarten for anything. And he learned how to wait
his turn, share, and help smaller children there. Dads have it easier in Switzerland.
Nobody expects a Dad to have a real part in bringing up children. An occasional
appearance, maybe, to help with homework or to hand out the pocket money, but
that's about it. So if a Dad goes on working after children appear, then no one
raises an eyebrow. A Mum, on the other hand, will take a lot of flak for "neglecting" her
kids if she isn't within a meter of them 24 hours a day. This flak will tend
to come from elder generations of females (relatives or even total strangers)
who can't accept that they didn't have a choice in their day and they are unable
to accept that times have changed and that the way the brought up their children
is not necessarily the only right way to do so. This is a lot of flow to go against.
A constant barrage of questions like "And you're SURE he's happy away from
you during the daytime? Really? You're SURE? I don't know what you're doing wrong,
dear. I think he looks a bit peaky. We didn't do that in our day. If I sent my
child away to an institution like a Kindergarten while I went off to work, I
would have been beaten with a frozen herring and banished to Siberia."
Quite apart from the obvious effort fighting her way up the career ladder, a
Super Mom is also going to have to be there for her family. Pick up the kids
from school, do the shopping on the way home, get the homework done, cook, feed
everyone, put the kids to bed and then finish that report which is due tomorrow
for the executive Board presentation. Oh yes, and there's washing and ironing
to finish. That type of workload, and the planning involved to keep the machinery
ticking... That's Super Mom stuff.
But wait - aren't we forgetting someone? Oh yeah, the hairy guy. Dad. Where is
he while Super Mom is battling with the evil twin demons of grass stains and
ketchup in the laundry room? If Mom is doing Super Mom work, then he'd darned
well better start doing some Super Dad stuff too. This may come as a surprise
to some Dads, but science has yet to demonstrate that men are genetically incapable
of shopping on the way back from work and cooking dinner. Men can cook. A washing
machine is a MACHINE. Guys, are you going to wimp out of operating a machine?
You can do it. Some models even have flashing lights and go "beep".
Try it. Cooking can be fun. Really. Take a cookery course. Buy a cookery book,
Betty Bossi or something. If your wife or partner is a Super Mum, then you'd
better start doing your bit. The Football European Championship is over, Switzerland
dropped out. You don't have an excuse not to do your bit any more.
It's a win-win situation. A Super Mom with a Super Dad at her side has a good
chance of getting to dance at both weddings (as the German expression goes) -
family and career.
And forget Great Aunt Agnes' snyde comments. It's her problem, not yours.
| DANIEL SCHWARZ
CARIGIET Born: 1966 in Lugano, Switzerland - Mother American, father German Family: married to Astrid, father of Oliver |
 |
| Occupation: Freelance photographer / commmunications consultant |
|
the working male moms archive:
Handycraft
with kids
“Vater
werden ist nicht schwer – Vater sein hingegen sehr”
Corporate
Dadness or “What's
wrong
with your wife, then?”
Cooking
with kids
foodtime: fire it up!
Staying at home with my children I
was quickly labeled as “Hausfrau”,
and no matter how I try I still cannot seem to get used to this title.
I don’t mind at all being at home with my kids, but with this unasked
for title I get the feeling that someone is constantly looking over my
shoulder to see if I am
doing Hausfrau chores.
READ
MORE
Hausfrauen der Schweiz – vereinigt
euch!
Das Ansehen der Hausfrauen verbessern ist das
erklärte Ziel der Hausfrauen-
und Hausmännergewerkschaft.
READ
MORE (this text is in German)